Lula 3D review

Sex sells. Cram in a shower scene featuring a large chested blonde into your poorly written and directed film, and your guaranteed huge profits from the teenage boy market. Thankfully the video game industry hasn’t succumb (in the vast majority of cases anyway, BMX XXX for example certainly did give in to temptation) to this cheap over-titillation just yet. But then Lula 3D lands on my desk. A cover featuring a scantily clad blonde and a reference to the featured “Bouncin’ Boobs Technology”. And so the woe begins. Don’t buy this game.

That Old Chestnut…

Set out as a traditional point ‘n’ clicker (though including keyboard control over Lula to wander around the 3D landscape), a la ye olde LucasArts adventure titles, Lula 3D tells that oh so often told tale of a porn producer (Lula) discovering that all her female stars have been kidnapped. Obviously perverts of the world wept into their sticky tissues and Lula set’s out on her way to discover just what’s happened. Please, don’t buy this game.

Actually attempting to steer Lula around the game world proves to be a puzzle unto itself. The control scheme though uncluttered, proves poor developers can even get the simplest parts wrong. Merely steering Lula around your typical household objects proves a difficult task and you’ll undoubtedly find yourself stuck in corners far too many times than you care to remember. That’s assuming the ridiculous camera gives you enough visual clues of course. I’m begging you, don’t buy this game.

We Miss You LucasArts of Old

A decent set of puzzles can turn a standard adventure title into something quite special; leaving lingering memories in gamer’s minds for years to come. The puzzles included here, well, it’s at this point that it becomes even clearer that this is a game aimed at the pubescent hormone ridden clientele of the gaming world. Discover that something doesn’t work? Well, maybe it’s that handily placed object all of 2 feet away that’ll change your fortunes. And that’s how it continues for as long as you can stomach the tedium.

But continue even further, as some of us have to for the sakes of the greater good, and you’ll find that to combat this kind of simplicity that even pre-schoolers would find ridiculously easy, it’s been seen fit to include puzzles that require some pathetically obscure object, leaving you to wander the game world in the slow manner that Lula’s allowed to move (presumably leaving you more time to drool over her shapely figure) until you happen to stumble across said object. For the love of all that is holy, please don’t buy this game.

Master Bates' Motel?

But what about what you’re all craving to hear about eh? How nicely rounded are those breast you get to ogle at every opportunity? Well, fairly so, if more than a tad over-sized. Perhaps that’s the reason Lula’s so difficult to control? Are her over-sized fun bags causing all kinds of gravity issues? What a subtle design ploy by those teenage game designers.

It’s a shame then that your view will more often than not be taken up purely be Lula’s vast behind. As for the rest of the game world, which you can just see poking out from behind her enormous bottom, it’s sparse to say the least. If this is supposed to be eroticism for gamers, please ensure that the lesser characters breasts don’t have queerly angular sections which clip with their arms with ridiculous regularity. Textures lacking in detail, vast open spaces populated by pretty much bugger all; the list goes on. Don’t buy this game; otherwise a small child will die.

Quadruple Entendre

But what of that tradition of humour filled adventure titles? Back in the day, LucasArts favourites such as the Monkey Island series, and Grim Fandango were filled with the kind of humour that put most popular TV series to shame, never mind the rest of the gaming world.

But let’s scrap that tradition shall we, and instead cram in every breast, penis, and sex based gag we can possibly come up with. Even if they’re rubbish, just try and slip them in somewhere. You’ll come to dread each and every in game conversation, especially as missing one may cause to miss out on some vital info that may just miraculously trigger an event that’ll let you progress. Buy this game and you’ll become a social outcast.

Teenage Ratboys

Let’s be honest, the only reason Lula 3D actually exists is a way that young teenage boys can get their kicks. Sex scenes and lesbian romps occur every way you turn. And Lula herself gets her kit of pretty much every 30 seconds. If angular breasts and badly animated collections of pixels touching another set of badly produced pixels is how you get your jollies, then you’ll love this.

If however, your one of us [i]normal[/i] people, then you’ll do the normal thing and either browse the internet, or take the time to romance your partner. Even more ridiculous is the included voice acting. The script itself is pathetic enough by itself, but having a bored voice drone on about how much ‘they’ like to ‘do it’ urges you to plug your ears with anything the comes to hand. If you were stupid enough to buy this, preferably a large machete. I’ve told you enough times, don’t buy this game. You’ll hate yourself for it.

Not Camile Paglia's Favourite Game

Plus there’s the whole idea of blatantly showing off woman as mere sex objects, something that’s taken to a whole new level here. Call me boring if you wish, but it’s the kind of thing that causes me much distress. It’s the kind of attitude that some of the lowest forms of scum possess, you know the type. You’ll undoubtedly spot them buying copies of ‘The Daily Sport’ in your local newsagents. Anyone with even the slightest ounce of moral decency should be morally our-raged that Lula 3D even exists.

It’s not that I’m against sexual content in games. If done well, it could very well accentuate certain parts of a story, and emphasise ties between characters. But I am most certainly strongly against poor gaming titles, and Lula 3D tries it’s very best to avoid the blatant exposure (pun intended) of it’s tedious and incredibly poor gaming design by cramming in as much cheap titillation as it could ever possibly hope to include. Even if your mildly interested and spot Lula 3D available for a meagre amount (something which will no doubt occur in a few weeks) I beg you, please don’t do it. Not only will you yourself come close to repeatedly bashing your head on your keyboard, you’ll have given the publishers of this tripe some of your hard earned money. If it’s ‘eroticism’ you want, just use the internet instead. Don’t buy this game.